OFFICIAL CELEBRITY DEATH DERBY(TM) ("THE DERBY")
RULES, REGULATIONS AND OTHER DUMB, RANDOM, DEBATABLE GUIDELINES
1. A Commissioner* shall be appointed by the Players and shall adhere to various and oft-changing restrictions placed upon him/her/them by the Players
2. A Commissioner shall only be appointed by unanimous vote of the Players but can be removed from the position at any time by a two-thirds vote of the Players
3. Any ruling made by the Commissioner shall be automatically and vigorously disputed by at least one (1) Player and usually by two (2) or, ideally, by all three (3) Players
4. There will be only three (3) Players and only ever three (3) Players
5. Any suggestion by any Player of adding to or attempting to add to the number of Players through expansion shall be met with derision and scorn by the other Players
6. Any suggestion by anyone else of adding to or attempting to add to the number of Players through expansion shall be ignored and met with ridicule by all three (3) Players
7. "The Derby" shall be conducted on Super Bowl Sunday or on the nearest day thereto, unanimously agreed to by The Players
8. Players shall select fifteen (15) living "Celebrities' whom they reasonably expect to die between the moment the final selection is made and Players have "signed off" on the selected rosters, and 23:59:59 PM (Eastern Standard time), on December 31 of that year, regardless of the actual time zone in which the Players reside or that in which the deceased expired
9. The selection of an already-dead "Celebrity" shall be met with stony silence by the other Players and by anyone else present at the time of the erroneous selection
10. The Player whose turn it is to select immediately following the erroneous selection shall, for the love of God, make the next selection very quickly, so as to not let the Player who made the erroneous selection have time to recognise the erroneousness of the selection and to withdraw the erroneous selection
11. An erroneous selection shall be recorded and the Player who made the erroneous selection shall be penalized by not being permitted to replace the erroneous selection with an actually still alive selection, and shall spend the entire year regretting having made the erroneous selection
12. There is no limit to the number erroneous selections that may be made by one Player or by all Players in any one Derby
13. A "Celebrity" is loosely defined as any public figure whose death shall be reported, publicized, noticed or celebrated in any medium
14. Objections to, or dispute over, the status of "Celebrity" registered by any Player at the time of selection by another Player shall be rousingly debated and ultimately either agreed upon or rejected by the two (2) non-selecting Players
15. Objections to, or debates over, the status of "Celebrity" registered by any Player at the time of selection by another Player shall be made in utmost good faith and entirely without nefarious intent to block the selection by another Player of a legitimate or semi-legitimate selection
16. It shall be the responsibility of the Player who made the selection to verify the death of any selection by producing unedited and unaltered "proof" of the death, as reported, publicized, noticed or celebrated in any medium
17. Anyone, including Commissioners, witnesses, spectators, spouses, offspring, wannabes and hangers-on, may alert any or all players to the death of a "Celebrity," either on or not on any Player's Derby roster
18. The Player who recorded the fewest death-points in the previous Derby ("the Loser") shall select first, followed by the Player who recorded the next fewest death-points in the previous Derby ("the Other Loser"), followed by the Player who recorded the most death-points ("The Champ"), and so on until each Player has made fifteen (15) selections
19. A Player may choose to debate the selection order, suggesting a 1-2-3-3-2-1 order, or any other alternate order, because that may have been foolishly piloted once, many years ago, with limited success, but this suggestion shall, after much loud discussion, be discarded as ridiculous
20. Each Player's first two (2) selections shall be taken from each Player's own roster from the previous season ("Keepers")
21. Each Player's subsequent thirteen (13) selections may be taken from their own or any other Player's roster from the previous season or from any other season, or may be entirely new selections, never before selected
22. A death recorded by any Player is worth ten (10) death-points
23. Two (2) deaths within one (1) week recorded by any Player shall be worth a bonus five (5) death-points
24. A third death recorded by any Player within the same one (1) week as the bonus death shall be worth an additional five (5) bonus death-points and shall reset the clock for a new week should that same Player record another death within one (1) week of the third death in the original week, and so on
24. A death recorded by any Player on his/her/their birthday or on the birthday of any other Player shall be worth a bonus five (5) death-points
25. A death recorded by any Player on October 31 shall be worth a bonus five (5) death-points
26. Two (2) deaths recorded by any Player on the same day and ruled by Authorities as murder-suicide constutites an automatic Derby victory, regardless of the standings on that day and shall immediately cease Derby proceedings for that season, making the Player who selected the two (2) victims the Champ of that season
27. At season's end, a tie between any or all Players shall be broken by assigning a value to each death on each Player's roster in reverse order of the selection
28. At season's end, the Player with the most death-points (or, in the event of a tie, the highest countback total) shall be deemed Derby Champ
29. The Champ shall receive an award from each of the Loser Players in the amount of $22.20, to be paid prior to the next Derby Day**
30. The death of any selection of any Player occurring between 0:00 on January 1 and the moment of the first selection of the following season's Derby ("the Interim Period") shall be known as "an Interim Death" or "a Hirohito" and shall be worth zero (0) death points and shall be met with much laughter and ridicule by the other Players
31. The Derby, in its present form and conducted under these Rules, Regulations and Other Dumb, Debatable Guidelines, shall be conducted annually until the death of one (1) or more (more) of the Players, but only if that death(s) is/are acknowledged by the surviving Player(s)
*There is no requirement for there to actually be a Commissioner, but any legitimate league would have one
* *After Pete won his ninth (9th) Derby in Derby XI, the Loser Players simply stopped paying the award